~"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer"~
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Last night was spent having stimulating conversation with friends and watching Burn Notice (all in favor of Michael Weston say aye!) During the course of the evening, the subject of superheroes came up.
For those of you lucky enough to enjoy the REAL Superman (Christopher Reeve, Google him Gen Y), you might remember how cool those movies were at the time (you know, before special effects were invented.) Handsome hero with one deadly weakness? Check. Villainous criminals who don't stand a chance? Check. Patriotic cape? Check. But what really made me wonder was that no one could ever spot the hero when he was dressed as Clark Kent. Seriously folks! Slightly myopic or not - it is clearly the SAME PERSON. Not to mention he was always near the scene of the crime, but mysteriously absent when Superman was present.
Example:
Lois: Where were you Clark? Just when you disappeared, Superman came and tied the bad guys up in their own twisted web of deceit and rescued me from certain death!
Clark: Oh darn. I ran out of batteries and had to go get some more.
Lois: Clark, why is it you always seem to disappear whenever Superman comes around?
She looks at him, mere minutes after soufully gazing at Superman, but never suspects the truth.
Lois: Oh well, maybe next time.
Despite the obvious flaws in the plan, I know I'm not alone in thinking that world would be way cooler with superheroes around. Something about us as humans wants to believe that there is someone out there that can surpass mortal limitations and bend scientific laws without breaking a sweat - all in the name of justice. Did you ever wonder? If we were metropolis, just WHO would be the superheroes? Those masked avengers with a secret identity keeping them close enough to prevent danger without attracting suspicion? IMHO the following are the best candidates:
1.
Anderson Cooper aka Superman He's got my vote. He travels the world dodging bullets and brings justice under the guise of "journalist." He doesn't wear glasses, but his signature shock of silver hair would be the perfect foil if he needed a disguise. No one would ever suspect! Well. They might if he kept getting caught on camera doing stuff like dodging mortar to rescue children like he did this week in Haiti Wow. He might not even need a cape to fly.
http://cnn.com/video/?/video/world/2010/01/18/cooper.boy.injured.cnn
2.
Bill Gates aka Batman
What did Batman really have that gave him the edge? Other than a winged mammal fetish and anger issues? Money. A whole lot of money. Bill could invent fancy software for gadgets and then turn them into crime fighting tools. The great thing about Batman is that he is a mere mortal and is thus prone to human mistakes (Windows Vista, anyone?) However, I think its clear he is more of an, ahem, "classic" Batman.
3. Tina Fey aka
Wonder Woman
Actress, comedienne, writer, producer and mother. The definition of Wonder Woman. Plus she publicly loves her parents, is very patriotic, and I think she ran for Vice President once. She also has a scar from a knife attack on the left side of her chin and cheek. Clearly she is tough. Oh yeah. She wears glasses! So did Wonder Woman's alter ego Diana Prince! That pretty much clinches the deal.
4. Al Gore aka Captain Planet
Captain Planet is summoned whenever the five Planeteers combine the forces of their elemental rings. Captain Planet is weakened when in contact with pollutants, radiation, smog, etc. Hmmm, could there be an ulterior motive behind his exposure of that inconvenient truth?
5. Michael Phelps aka Aquaman
Aquaman possessed various superhuman abilities, including the powers of surviving underwater, communication with sea life, and tremendous swimming prowess. Not much of a stretch for good ol' Michael P. Aquaman's specific weakness was that he had to come into contact with water at least once per hour, or he would die. Hmmm, certain photos are being seen in a new light ... it's a waterpipe of life!
There it is kids, the most likely alter egos for the superheroes living among us. Have I missed any?
2. Canadian Bacon -- hmmm. not quite ham, not quite pepperoni. Somewhere in the middle, but rather tasty tasty on the pizza if you are of the meat-eating persuasion!
3. Who is Alex Trebek? -- Host of Jeoparady, born in Sudbury, Ontario, Canada. He graduated the University of Ottawa with a degree in Philosophy, and began his media career as a newscaster for the CBC. Without dear Canada, no one would have ever heard of Ken Jennings or seen Celebrity Jeoporady.
5. The Snowblower -- Way back in 1925, Montreal based inventor Arthur Sicard made his first "Snow Remover Snowblower." He was tired of shoveling - not too surprising in a city with an average annual snowfall just shy of 7 feet. Those who are lucky enough to own such a wonder (not me) can thank Art and Canada.
Note -- A couple of websites try to attribue the modern game of Baseball to Canada. Nice try, but don't get greedy Neighbor. The steroid pumpin, chaw-spittin national pastime is all ours!
